"You can't run very fast when you're tripping over your own entrails." - Scariest Places on Earth
*cymbals*
I've been thinking lately about all of the stereotypes of high school: jock, cheerleader, slut, teachers' pet, nerd. I am a nerd, though I prefer the term "dorky." Dorky is like "dweeb" and "quirky" combined, which I think is fitting. However, the standard association of High School Dorkdom with being bookish and wearing glasses, while applicable to me, begin to lack in accuracy as we age. Ah, yes, my friends, the definition of "nerd," "dork," "dweeb," and what have you ranges in color, tone, and favorite "Star Wars" installment. Tonight, I begin to compile a list of my own personal blend of Dork. I challenge nerds everywhere to define their Dorkdom and wave their dweeb flag with pride. Stay tune for future installments.
Things that Make I, Alice, a Dork
- The Smooth, Sweet Sounds of Phylicia Rashad
"The Cosby Show" has never failed me. Never failed to cheer me, move me, turn me into a person who can mentally log Cliff Huxtable's abominable sweaters. I don't know what it is, if it's the typical envy of The Perfect Family and its bemused embrace of their children's individuality, or the delight I take in reliving favorite TV shows of my childhood. However, neither of these seems likely, as I grew up with a pretty incredible family myself and my actual favorite TV shows as a child were "Sally Jessy Raphael" and the various soap operas my baby-sitter watched.
No, I think it has to do with the tantalizing vocalizations of one Phylicia Rashad. If I flip on an episode and know Claire's going to sing (and when didn't she?) I cannot resist, no matter how late, how tired, how inebriated. Well, more so when inebriated. Inebriated, there may be tears.
Have you ever really listened to the tone of that voice? Hey kids, did you smash the car into the kitchen again? Well, Danny Tanner might give a shout, but nothing conveys both the motherly comfort and strictness than Claire's, "You better march on up to that room and hope that I don't see you till your 18th birthday!" At one point, she calls Vanessa, who snuck out to a party without permission, "a little wench." Ah yes, but Claire can get away with this. My dream is for a website featuring Phylicia Rashad giving infamous dirty lines from famous movies. Let's hear Claire say things like, "Have you ever fucked on coke?" and "There are motherfuckin' snakes on this motherfuckin' plane!" and marvel in the ability for even those salty words to put us right to sleep. - I Have an Indiana Jones Tattoo
No, that's not me. And if that was me, and I called myself Alice, being dorky would be the least interesting of the things I could talk about. Ah, but I am one with this gentlemen (ew, not like that). We both know the obsession, the fanaticism, surrounding the world's most intelligent, adventurous and dare I say, SEXIEST mother-fucking archaeologist in all the land. That's right, I'm talking about YOU, Dr. Scott Caroll! Don't forget the whip at the next AADS meeting!
Nah. We all know who I mean. That one who can take a Nazi and kick his ass while lecturing on the importance of the maintenance of antiquities. Indiana Jones has the ability to both transport you to the absolutely coolest fantasy world ever, and you don't even have to deal with robots or Will Smith. Many people consider an obsession with these films to be nerdy. I'm not sure why, perhaps because of the main theme being archeology, or the campiness of the second installment (actually a prequel, and Indy had to work his way up to Nazis somehow, so all is forgiven in my opinion).
Regardless of whether you think these cinematic adventures are amazing or evidence of the downfall of an art form (go back to Tisch, prick), the fact of the matter is, a permanent drawing placed on someone's body in dedication to something as "mundane" as a movie seems a bit much for most people. However, rarely do you see a nerd that does not have at least some kind of an unhealthy obsession. It has to do with our fascination with the Internet, having information at the touch of a button, and taking prime advantage of this to soak up any and all information on our respective interests. So why not permanently pay homage to said obsessions?
My tattoo is not of a whip, a hat, Scary-Man-with-Red-Painted-Forehead, or Karen Allen. But without giving too much away in case any potential boy-toys are reading this (and I'd hate to ruin a surprise), it's a prop featured in the third movie, placed sexily on my right side. And when I say sexy, I damn well mean it. The truth of the matter is, it may be dorky to have a tattoo featuring a prop from an adventure film of the 80s, but if done well, you can rule the Nerd Kingdom with ease.
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